Stroke Recovery, Childhood Trauma, and Suicidal Thoughts: What I Couldn’t Say in My Book

The short answer: Stroke recovery can trigger flashbacks of past trauma. For me, that trauma was childhood sexual abuse. The thoughts that followed nearly ended my life. This post is about what was actually happening in my brain, what I left vague in my book, and why I’m naming it now.

I read Tim Ferriss’s blog post about suicide in 2015. He wrote honestly about the moments where continuing didn’t seem worth it. I bookmarked it. Didn’t talk about it. Filed it somewhere quiet.

When I had my stroke at 35, I understood why.

What Was Actually Happening in My Brain

Neuroplasticity is not selective. When your brain rewires itself during stroke recovery, it goes looking for old files. It surfaces things that have been stored away for years. Sometimes decades.

For me, those files were memories of being sexually abused as a child.

I was around nine or ten. It was a family friend. A grown man I trusted. He told me we were “working out.” I don’t know everything that happened to him after.

I want to name that clearly, because I mention abuse in Still Here and the way it reads is vague. Some people who’ve read the book have assumed I was talking about my parents. I was not. My parents were not abusive. This was someone else entirely.

What I believe happened after — and what I couldn’t have named until recently — is that the abuse caused PTSD that shut me down emotionally for more than 20 years. Not dramatically. Not in a way that was obvious to anyone around me. I functioned. I moved through life. But something was closed off. A part of me went quiet and stayed that way.

I left it vague in the book because I wasn’t ready. I’m ready now.

Why Tim Ferriss’s Post Stays With Me

Tim has spoken publicly about being sexually abused as a child. He has also written and spoken openly about suicidal ideation — including a 2015 post that I kept coming back to.

What he did with that post was not perform pain. He wrote it because he knew other people were sitting with the same thoughts and had nowhere to put them.

That is exactly why I wrote Still Here.

And it’s why I’m writing this now. Putting hard memories on paper — even in a simple notebook — has been one of the few things that consistently helps me process them.

The Part I Haven’t Said Directly Until Now

During stroke recovery, the flashbacks were constant. My brain was trying to process something it had locked away for 25 years while simultaneously trying to relearn how to function.

Part of me wanted it to stop. Not life, exactly. The thoughts. The images.

I understand now how someone can reach a point where the primary goal is relief, not death. The desire is not always to end things. It is to end the pain. But when you are inside it, that distinction is not always clear.

I made it through. I wrote a book. I am still here.

What I Want You to Know If You’re Going Through This

If you are in stroke recovery and experiencing intrusive thoughts or old memories surfacing, there is a neurological explanation. Your brain’s healing process is not selective. It surfaces things. That is not failure. It is not a sign something is wrong with you. It is your brain doing the only thing it knows how to do.

If those thoughts are becoming thoughts about not wanting to be alive, tell someone. A doctor. A therapist. The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988 in the US). Someone who understands what recovery actually looks like.

You are not broken. You are mid-process.

Why I’m Posting This

Because I almost didn’t make it.

Because Tim Ferriss’s honesty in 2015 helped me feel less alone years later.

Because if one person reads this and decides to stay, that is enough. If it keeps you here, talk about it.

I am sure this will get flagged somewhere. I am okay with that. Some things are worth saying anyway.

In Short

• Stroke recovery can trigger flashbacks of past trauma.
• My flashbacks were of childhood sexual abuse by a family friend, not a family member.
• The abuse caused PTSD that shut me down emotionally for more than 20 years before I could name it.
• The thoughts that came with those flashbacks included wanting the pain to end.
• Tim Ferriss’s writing helped me understand I was not alone.
• Still Here references this — but I left it vague. This post names it.
• If you are experiencing this: tell someone, and know that it does get better.

FAQ

Can a stroke cause flashbacks of childhood trauma?

Yes. Neuroplasticity — the brain’s process of rewiring itself during recovery — can surface long-suppressed memories. This is documented in stroke and traumatic brain injury recovery literature.

Did Blake Murphy experience suicidal thoughts after his stroke?

Yes. Flashbacks triggered during recovery brought thoughts about wanting the pain to stop. He survived, wrote a memoir called Still Here, and now writes openly about recovery.

What is Tim Ferriss’s post about suicide?

In 2015, Tim Ferriss published “Some Practical Thoughts on Suicide” on his blog. He wrote honestly about his own suicidal ideation. He has also spoken on his podcast about surviving childhood sexual abuse.

What is Still Here about?

Still Here is Blake Murphy‘s memoir about surviving a stroke at 35. It includes references to childhood trauma. This post clarifies what that section of the book was actually referring to.

What should I do if I’m having suicidal thoughts during recovery?

Talk to your doctor or a therapist, or contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988 in the US). You do not have to navigate this alone.

If this helped, send it to someone who might need it.